The Ministry of Lost Souls, Dream Theater, 2007

The water's Door is where Rael waits, lost soul still wandering.
Meant to die, but he's stuck not crossing over.
The other side is where John waits, his spirit reaching out.
Meant to save, but Rael's too scared to take his hand.

"Living in a world without you drowning in the past is living in no world at all.
So now I call on you..."

"Remember me?
I gave you life; you would not take it. Your suffering was all in vain. It's almost over now.
Don't turn your back on paradise."

Feeling scared, Rael's prepared to give up everything.
He can't stand to feel like half of him is fading.
John will choose the only way to rid him of his pain:
Take his soul now; the decision has been made.

"Living in a world without love a burden to my soul is living in a worthless world.
So I will call on you..."

"Remember me?
I gave you life; you would not take it. Your suffering was all in vain. It's almost over...
Remember me?
You were so young; how could I tell you?
Remember me?
I am the one who saved your life that night.

"I was the one who would not abandon you.
Even in death, I was the one who would not leave you.
I used my freedom to protect you and all the while direct you.
Do you remember me this time?
Even in death I gave you life.
I gave you life!"

"I wanted to deserve a place, a place beside you.
This time when I reached out my hand, it reached all the way to Metropolis."

"Remember me?
I gave you life; you would not take it. Your suffering was all in vain. It's almost over now.
Goodbye, it's almost over now.
Goodbye.

"It's time I release you from this life.
Don't turn your back on paradise."


Jordan Eats Normally Now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjP353H9Fys
Written by DJay32 for TheFearMythos2011

The Light Dies Down on Broadway, Genesis, 1974

"As he walks along his sanity's edge, Rael meets a sense of yesteryear. A Door in the room amongst his head reveals a home amidst the streets.

"Suburban sounds, the sounds of complaint, the smell of petty mundanity on his brain to paint as it carves out anger in a blood-red band, destroyed tomorrow by an eldritch hand."

My home.


Is this the way out from this endless scene or just an entrance to another dream?

And the light dies down on Insanity.


"But as the Doorshine beckons him to leave, he hears a scream from impossible beyond. Within the raging City writhes the form of Brother John. He cries for help."

The gate is fading now but open wide. But Nathan is drowning; I must decide between the freedom I had in the chess game or to stay forever in Hell the same.

"HEY, JOHN! He makes for the house and the Door is gone, back to the void where it came from.

"And the light dies down on Jordan."

End of rope breaking

Time has been passing for me normally.

I've been here in agony for days now. I'm completely alone, and not even the people in my imagination will talk to me. This is torture.

Not even the people on the walls will talk to me.


When is my time, Nathan?

Closed Door

Utter darkness.

I still don't know what that noise was when Nathan shut the door.

I still don't know why Nathan said what he said, why Nathan did what he did.

Utter darkness.

Video: "Time"

I heard the footsteps from earlier increase notably, so I turned the camera on and let it run.

Video: "Lit Vacancy"

I said I'd get a video up. For once, we have a door I want to open but remains to budge.

Lighting Change

I just got through saying this room is dark, and all of a sudden, the lights flipped on.

I plan on making a video. Don't know when you'll see it.

stress tells me safety died

I'm not begging for Nathan anymore.

I'm begging for the insanity Door.

loop

I opened a Door and

it slammed shut behind me.

This is the same room as before.

Darkness surrounds me in more than one way.

The beast that is not my dad rages and writhes from

behind the Door in front of me.

Fear overwhelms me.

Out of a window and into a room

The door opened and I could hear his voice coming closer with every stomp.

Then the window behind me opened and I jumped out and prayed I would not die.

I landed on a carpet in another dark room.

I'm not sure where I am right now. Again. It's just dark room after dark room, no exit in sight.

I'm not even sure if this building makes any logical sense.

feels blood

It rained deep inside this room

and all light began to cease.

The darkness panged every scruple of my youth

and my heart began to crease.

I find I cannot die much more inside

without risking losing the outside.

Why can I not say my problems here

without risking losing sanity within?

the beast that was not my dad

I heard footsteps

and then the beast came out of the locked door.

He looked like my father but he was a foreign entity entirely.

The facade disappeared and all that was left

was the inkling of a fear.

The hour of torture passed and all that was left

was the begging of a tear.

ALERT

WHERE THE HELL AM I NOW.

It's dark in here.
And cold.

There's a door that won't open, a lightswitch that doesn't work, and a window that doesn't show much.

Unsure

The internet finally works again. It's been a good few days (well, it's felt like that) since my last post, and now I can post again.

Sam left and I followed her upstairs. She led me to what used to be my room when this house was still sane. In that room, I found a flood of stuff I didn't recognize. As if someone else had been staying there.

I've been looking around for a while. Sleeping a lot, as well.

If I try to open the front door to leave the house, I find it no longer opens.

uneasy
uncomfortable
under my issues

The Slow Progression of

The laptop hasn't been working all day. I got it fixed. The day took its time. Looks like something else did too.

Walking into a certain state of
walking into a certain
Walking into a certain state of
certain walking state
Walking into a certain state of
state of walking of
Walking into
suffocation

Bed Hair

There's an ending in sight, but it's coming both too slowly and too quickly at the same time.

I'm sorry for not blogging. This was my own fault this time.

I've been afraid. I've been sleeping. I'm told I scream in my sleep.

I'm told I say "No, please stop."

Stagnation

Time passes strangely.

Music can be heard around me.

I hear progressions more complex than anything I'd ever even considered before.

I don't know how much longer this will last, but I want it never to end.

nightmare panic

I had a vivid dream of being unwanted, of being stuck with my dad's fucking fdsfdsabusefsdgjfhggef. And never being able to get out.

I had a vivid dream that this was all behind a Door.

I had a vivid dream that this Door was coming for me.

Darkness surrounds me

The calendar says it's the 28th. 24 hours ago, it said it was the 27th. This might mean time is progressing normally for me again.

It's still dark outside. It's always dark outside. It's never gonna stop being dark outside.

There were people in the video. I didn't see them when recording. I heard the noises, but that's it.

I'm gonna get some sleep, and then I'm gonna look around the neighborhood.

I hope I can run fast enough.

Webcam: "Been hearing voices"

I've been hearing voices, so I started recording. What I got was a little surprising.

message

5% of you want me to go away. I completely agree with you. I'd be better off dead.


You fucking assholes.


Welcome to cockroach country, this is my home now. And all you can think of is telling me to go away.


Maybe we'd all be better off dead.


Maybe I'd be better off, dad.

But where is the garden of Eden?

It's dark, the light is on and it's still dark.

There's a surprising lack of doors in this house. I've looked around, and anywhere I saw a door, I'd blink and it'd just.. be gone. I'm beginning to think I might be legitimately insane.

Whenever I stand in the hallway seen in my video, I can hear much movement all around. If I look down the hall, I can always see figures moving behind a door. Maybe shadows.

Time doesn't move that fast here, and yet it seems to pass quicker than lightning. I feel ageless as the walls rot around me.

I went up the stairs and found myself exhausted before reaching the top. I heard more noises, felt more darkness, and then I retreated down here.

Now I can hear nothing but footsteps and vague scuttering.

The laptop's time reads August 5th, 5:08 AM.

I'm losing track of time, and I feel a new sense of elation.

Webcam: "Update in place"

This laptop has a webcam, but the program for it was buried pretty deep. Found it, now using it.

Overture 5

I walked up to this house. I walked up the stairs, each step feeling surreal and slow.

I knocked on the door, and all life ceased.

Eight blossoms befell my feet, five sunrises pass in the blink of an eye.

I opened the door, and the house was both well-lit and pitch black at the same time. All life ceased and all life continued, it was past and present, it was August 11 2009 and January 16 2010 and August 7 2010 and August 5 2011 and September 26 2011 all at the same time.

Now I'm back again, and babe it's gonna work out fine.

As long as I keep running, babe it's gonna work out fine.

No one runs faster than I eat.

HEad

WHat the hell I wentered though the door and dnow Imy head is jst kiling me.

I recognize where I am. If my hunch is correct, I'm going to squeal.

Door

no FIndings.

brut hfsdfghjfdksdghgfdsdghghshjsjkjdjksghkjhgfdssdfghjkjhgfdsdfghjkgfdsdfghjk

frikdeolswp;aq['zx/.cv,mbn

A comment asked if there was anything of interest on the computer.

After checking, I have found a folder titled "CAMPER." Will reply with findings.

Am I in purgatory?

I'm getting kinda scared. Not gonna lie.

The computer calendar says I've been gone for at least a week. I was only looking around for about half an hour.

I couldn't find anything of real interest, besides a long corridor with a strange door at the other end of it.

I'm going in. No other leads.

Structural lack of Collapse

I found an assortment of buildings, some sort of structural site. Looks empty and forested.

It's oddly cold here. Suddenly got cold.

Inside one of the empty structures was this computer. Looking around for anything else.

questions Not answering

Aches and pains. The rain has stopped.

I think I see a city far off. An actual city. With buildings.

And no, I don't know where I am. The city nearby should tell me, though.

Teller of, What

Got a lot of walking done. I'm either sleeping for very long lengths of time or these computers' calendars are ahead. It doesn't feel like I've been here for that long.

It's looking a little bit rainy. I'm gonna hide.

Don't ask.

New template

I found a grocery store. Computers here work. Decided to fuck around and change up my blog's appearance a bit.

I dunno. Just bah, I'm tired. Need sleep.

The door is soaking wet. No one is around.

Screw the internet, I'm getting out of this house. I don't know when I'll be able to post again but fuck it who cares bye.

just stop

let there be silence

stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop bangnaaf fafsging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging stop banging otp abtging top bangong stp nabging ttp absgfans toapasfnafgn fopantgagi fsaf if gfofaaa stpssof  anfgsagpgs stp basbggig otpstb agbngnafngaiaaaepsesit rts so much

STOP YELLING STOP YELLING STOP YELLING STOP YELLING STOP YELLING

I'm not doing anything. See? Just typing. In my blog.

It's just my blog. I promise. It's not about you, dad. It's actually about this girl who lives down the street, named Sam. She's not supposed to be here, but she is.

..just like me.

Oh, I didn't mean anything by that! I'm sure I'll grow to love it here, you're right.

Oh no, the school said they were full.

..they did. I swear, they did, you can ask mum.

No, dad, you'll just hear exactly what mum and I heard. The school is full.

I don't know what I'm gonna do without a school.

I'm not

Hang on

Just hang on

Can you pl

Pleas

Please j

Dad

No

Just hang

Yes

Yeah

Yes!

No, I'm n

That's

OKAY.

Okay. I get it, dad.

..nothing!

I guess I'm just stressed because of the school not letting me in, y'know? It's

Yes

Yes

Hang on

No, that's not

I'm not


Why do you always

I'm not just trying to contradict you, goddammit.

No, you listen!

And I am your son!

No, it does


Being the f

No

I'm not gonna take you seriously if you resort t

No, I have every right t

You just called me a l

But han

No, see, you're being unreasonable

I'm

Can I just finish

No, I let you finish plenty of times!

Yes!

I did, that's right!

Please stop trying to invalidate m

Hey, that's not nice!

No, but

I do


Will yo

GODDAMMIT, WILL YOU

NO

JUST

REALLY

BAH

MOTHERFUC


FAJSC

fsdC

RCFDGDJFDJFSDJ

afHGU

fSDIC

R*

STOP

N

SOT

s

RHYE

HDLp

D HOW ARE YOU UH WELL LET'SE SEE UH no ust ffsdjigha

bhvvvjkvkvfdhuvcxgfdsvgcbyiafdcx hyujaewfdxcfdhxnjvvgm

vf
dvDCfV
Vg
vsdvc
X
fdc
weals

lease
please
please daddont i don't no just stop banigng i'll keep the vlume down i'll keep it down

stop yelling please t's giving me a headache oh but i coul never tell him that to his face I' just get yelld at then.
OH HELLO DA

MAKE IT STOP PLEASE JUST STP BANING OPEN THE DOOR FFCXFKas PPERN OPE ONE PPNE OPEN PEN OPEN ODEM PKENE PPEN oPE NPOEN OE EDNE O NEP NEO MEP NEP ME PE E JPEA

but the clock tick tock on the mantlepiece and i want and i feel and i know and i touch the wall

old kaing cole was a ma erry old soul
ad a merry old soul wa he
 so hr called for is pipe
and he called for his bowl
can he aalled for his fiddlers three
every fiddler he had a fiddle
and a very fine fiddle had he
o there was none who could compare
to the very very fair
king cole and his fiddlers three

Oh god please the banging, oh my god oh my god, just open the door open the door hurry up get it over with please TPS BANGING

Please just go away.

Something's banging against the door.

Oh god, I don't want to check.

Signal is weird here

I'm cold. It's been a long night.

Yet I feel so warm and content. Like I wouldn't want to leave this place for the world.

Like stepping through that door was the best thing that could have happened to me.

Also this

My camera is a good several dozen miles away. I went to sleep under a tree one night and when I woke up, it was gone. Weird, though. I haven't seen any animals.

HOT

Forgot to mention in last post. The door led to a shed somewhere. Found myself in some forest.

Fucking hotter than a KISS concert in Hell. Don't ask where I am, 'cause I really don't know. At least I have internet, right?

Turns out the fucking gas station has a signal. I get the feeling I'm approaching a more civilized place now.
Good. I'm getting very sick of forest.

In the Presence of Enemies VI

I'm going in the door.

In the Presence of Enemies V

The Camper wasn't just Sam.

That email is from J. LaBrie.

The Doors surround me in their elegance, crying out to me with their incomprehensibly complex progressions. I can hear Nathan calling out to me to say "Hellay."

It's time to choose. Is my soul my own, or does it belong to these goddamn "Camper" cultists with their organized crime?

The police still haven't gotten back to me.

To quote Mike Portnoy reciting John Petrucci's lyrics in "In the Presence of Enemies," It's time for your reckoning.

In the Presence of Enemies IV

SERVANTS OF THE FALLEN FIFHT GOTP AVE THE WAY
FOR THEIR SAVIROS CALL ING ON THIS WIKCED DAY
THROUGH A VEIL OF MADNESS WITH A VICIOUS BLADE
ONE MAN RISES UOP STANDING IN THEIR WAYYYYY

Do you guys know aht i doo every second of every day?

I wait.


And iawat.

And ai90s.
ANd wait.

ADD AIWRT dsosme mroe.

I do nothing but wait. Even when I'm hungry. I only eat when we have food.

I aovid my parents. I used to love them and talk to them every day. Not anymore. They taught me to avoid them.

I onl  go downstairs to look for food, and when is rhete ever food?

Goddamn someone just asked me for weight loss tips.

In June of 2009, I weighed 190 pounds. By August, I weighed 160. By December, 150. By August of 2010, 140. Now, I'm around 110, 120.

You want to know how I lost the weight and how I kept it off? WEld, fucker , I highyly reomenc the CHODL ABUSE DIET, asshole. I SFKAfsdmi, the NECLTECT DIT<. TRY IT ON FOR SIZE. ONE SIZE FITS ALL.


That was csarcmas, ODN@T tyer it notfbody ddseerfcew is

I hvae nowjhre to go nad the only people who never rarley abused me-- Natjhan-- jhed's gnwe and now the doors are everywhere I go, Nathan's in every dream.

But I'm scared, Nathan. I don't know if I can open the door.

I don't know what I'll find.

I don't know if you'll be there.

In the Presence of Enemies III

I don't thin itf'sf arr at atl.

I mean tI do't its' nto like I dob'r pay fucll atrtention to you igus riht


But then why does not wa npay athatm uch atneinon to me

the sdilendce isr gettn abdiuely unBADbeleabel

fucking help, IK cna't take the foggamn silence.


if NATHAN was herre he'sd keep mye ocucupedi

oh god my head crying hurts

In the Presence of Enemies II

senrfat fo he af;enifgnroa pfe rhewahy fiofr the ria vaiosrvorsa clakng
l  tksdn wjcmjed dag
througg a beril of madness
witgh a viksvous blaxe
ONE ME ANERISE UP
STAAANDIYNG IN THEIR WAAAY


FUCKING lOME c Lcoe m e c; oe  ,e  ;c0e m,e  wnjeuy dp#t pyi ;bpe ,e wjy dpn#t ypi ;be ,e wjy pdn#t ypi yt;pve , WJY DPM~YP IY :VPE E 


WHY DO T OYU NOT LOVE ME WHY


WHY DO YIOH NT LOVE MTF


WHY DOY OU NOTE OVE ME


WHY FOD YOU NOT LOE M


WJU DPYOI MP T:PFER ME


STNADNMG IN THEIR WYA
ONE MAN RISESU P


DRAMATIC
TUNR
OCF 
ECENTS
OMDEED


ficl ytpgi imc;e [ai;
FUCK YOU UNCEL PAURLs
SO UCHN

In the Presence of Enemies I

I went to the house.

There's a man outside the window.

The man. The one who hurt my back.

He's just standing out there, looking in at me.

In the kitchen, the door is back. The door that shouldn't be.

I'm in the presence of enemies, and I'll have to decide which to face.first

Nightmare Cinema

I had a night filled with vomiting, cold sweats, and panic.

I tried to sleep. Nightmares of opening the door and finding Nathan. He'd reach out his arms and say "Come inside, Jordan. Let us take care of you. It's safer here in Xanadu. Don't you want to give me a hug?"

There was progressive music coming from inside the door, but it was unlike anything I'd ever heard. It was intricate, it was complex beyond comprehension. There were notes I had no idea I was even able to hear. I felt such a compulsion to just walk in and listen forever.

Then I woke up and looked around. Only one door in my room.

Questions, need Answers

Doors everywhere.

...what'll happen if I open one?

The Day That Never Comes

I've been seeing an extra door in every room.

When Doors are Opened

I opened the door that was supposed to be here. In my hallway, there was a spider. I quickly closed the door again.

Then the internet went out.

I couldn't go fix it; there was a spider in the hall! D:

Anyway, I went to bed, and now the second door is gone.

Temptation, why won't you leave me alone?

My room has two doors in it. It's not supposed to.

Batman Versus the Galaxy IN SPACE 3

Cosmic Cove Galaxy. Twin Falls Hideaway. There's a Luma who takes fifteen coins and then gives us a planet.

Why can't our rich people do good stuff like that with our money?

Batman Versus the Galaxy IN SPACE 2

DJay32's Batman: Arkham Galaxy 2. Log entry 2.

I'm in World 2 now. I think the Joker's a dragon, but I'm not sure. Harley Quinn got a sex change and is now the Joker's son. o_o I must be under one of the Scarecrow's drug-induced trances.

I'll keep you posted.

Batman Versus the Galaxy IN SPACE 1

In the meantime, in between my sad days, I've gone and rented Super Mario Galaxy 2. I called my file "batman." I'm about to start.

It's time for DJay32's Batman. In Space.

Let's do this shit.

Existential Crisis

I don't have to go home, but I can't stay here.

Camera?: "where_the_sour_turns_to_sweet"

Now, my first suspicion was that I recorded this video without knowing. But I don't have a CD player that looks like that, or any of the other stuff there. I have a lot of the albums pictured, but not the.. one below Nursery Cryme, nor the one below what I think is Amnesiac (Radiohead). And I don't even know what the hell the one above Metropolis, pt. 2 is; there's way too much glare. But I recognize Metropolis and Nursery Cryme, I recognize Amnesiac, and I also recognize Octavarium and Tales from Topographic Oceans.

The song in the background is from Tales from Topographic Oceans, although I'll have to listen to the album again to properly pinpoint what song.

As for the video title, "where_the_sour_turns_to_sweet," yeah, not a clue.

Risk, I Know You Very Well

So yeah, I went back to the house. And I took my video camera. It's been weeks since that last incident. And besides, I didn't waste my time when I found the door. Because I didn't find the door. Instead, I was greeted by that beautiful patch of wall, which I took a picture of and uploaded.

While taking the photo off my camera, I spotted a video, as well. I don't remember this video at all. I'll upload it for you guys.

Video's up.

And also this.

After all that buildup, it's quite underwhelming, isn't it?

rhauiffshiufsa won't upload fuck it, going to bed.

Told you.

Video soon.

I went to the house a while ago, a week ago, and I brought the camera. And I recorded a video. You can't see anything on it 'cause I was just.. bah. I don't fucking know, alright? There's no distortion or anything. No blur. No nothing. You just can't see shit because I'm a terrible cameraman.

Anyway. What happened was, I went to the house with the camera, and I noticed that every time I went to the house, things were switched around. There was always new technology, too. But then I saw it. The door. Remember the door? The one.. yeah, that door. It was there. And.. I just fucking froze. And then that guy came in. And the door..

The guy might be gone. He left me alone. But I left. And I went to the hospital. My back was in agony. And I'm missing a trilby now.

Uploading the video. Like I said, you can't fucking see shit on it. But still.

Original: "Citizen Kane"

Give me a little longer. In the meantime, here's another poem I made. It's called "Citizen Kane," though it's not really about the film in question.

Perfection: A subject subject to subjective debate.
"Love on your own terms is the only love worth fighting for,"
Cries the friar as his liars loot; it's only fair when to settle a score.
Love under any other name would be self-abuse evermore;
The question remains, is there such a thing as a three-way door?
Are philosophers and leaders, all members of the trade, corrupt to the core?
Or are the members of our public lost in legends of illustrious pop lore?
Fire, to begin whipping dance of the dead. This is our first gate.


Projection: Life, as it has been, dying slowly in a lake moor.
Classical progressions of a baroque nature assault mine thoughts,
Until said progressions turn to times once ne'er bought.
Throughout the emptiness of marshland, the frog beneath the trees
Knows her righteous path, for she has darkened potency.
Unearthed rhyme scales reveal ancient times gone by,
Pay attention as the walrus is Paul, but only under glass moonlight.
There is perfection to such projection, though it is through the second Door.


Permutation: Analysis leaves the doubting blind, as says the sparrow.
Staccato breathing in legato tricks.
Picking things apart gives people their kicks.
Let's pick apart one misconception about the direction of precontraceptions:
Life, but what we say; strife, but where we lay.
Attacking the untaxed as lax as we can back
Ourselves against lions, lashing out for the ocean floor.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as says the third window.


Protection: As was Kane to films, as is the lady
Jester antics reach out to complement the stars,
And who are we to deny such an honour, by far?
Never again will life seem so frail,
End to it all is but the trick of the tale.
To myself, keeping in time with such acts these shady. This is but the last story.


Okay, I'll admit, I made this a pretty cryptic one. ^^;; It's certainly much vaguer than the first poem. But it definitely means something. Something very close to me.

Original: "Four Gives to Get"

I have nothing, so I'll write. This is titled, "Four Gives to Get."


Food on the table is a given but a bribe
Given you can't care past forgotten diatribe.
Might you be serious about regretting past sins,
Since centuries gone, I'll be digging through the bins.
Perhaps it's a lull in your security or lulling of my own,
Only this time it's life or death and I'm already nothing but bones.
Don't you care? Of course you do, considering the why and its when.
When was I ever the person you say I am? You don't see it now; I didn't see then.


Working backwards to progress forwards only works when stars align,
You progress with no progress but a smog-laden "This gold's mine."
Do you mind the gap before you and your son who is nothing?
Digging it deeper, do you find it hard to keep bluffing?
Epping Forest of denial calls you to your home,
Memories of you, your borne mouth of foam.
Damage has been incorporated for so long,
But do I have it all wrong?


Fairness is due,
It's not all you.
Kind is the mirror's others,
And I do have my covers.
Though told were I that "Not justice nor fairness,"
Just not be the demons hidden in my awareness.
Hiding my past to forget the lack of future,
All brought on by the emotional moocher.
Perhaps, due were fairness true,
Allow life to justly forget you.


Should one have to decide between virtue and sin?
Should such acts be more orange and blue, for lack thereof is win.
To forgive under any other name would be instantly true,
But to do so efficiently would render my memory askew.

Give me knowledge: Where to go, what to do.

Give me structure: Days, not nights; I need my rights.

Give me sustenance: Starvation leads to temptation's needs.

Give me peace.

Empty my mind from entropic tropes,

Mind those others who do oft elope.

Get me isolation: Nowt to go, nowt to do.
Get me entropy: Nowt method, life madness.
Get me the weakest: nowt a right to my defence.
Get me, Hell.
I have but four gives to get, and only to stop me
Is a pathway to salvation, unsure yet, unsure key.


Which will it be? Which will I choose?
Scariest to me are things yet to lose.

Soon.

So I'll just wait inside my head.

Escape from isolation?

I'm lying here in bed, swear my skin is inside-out.
Just another Sunday morning.
See my diary on the newsstand, seems we've lost the truth to quicksand.
It's a shame no one is praying, 'cause these voices in my head keep saying, "Love, just don't stare."
"Reveal the word when you're supposed to."
Withdrawn and introverted, infectiously perverted, being left out and confused keeps us pleasantly abused enough to stay.

Orange Or Green?

killme mill ke kill me kill me kill me kill ke mill me kill me kill me kilmel Please oh please won't someone kill me kill me kill kill me me kililllk meme I can't stand it I don't know how much more I can handle I just want someone toooo kill me

Hospitalized

back hurts still

dr says back not borkn

got video uploda soon

"Message of Metropolis"

(Image spliced up weirdly by me)

The Message of Metropolis must be coded


From The Topography of Thought. Addressed to "Rael." The comments have deciphered it, and it seems to be saying,

1) "Scene Six: Home."

2) "Fatal Tragedy."

3) "Scene Nine: Finally Free."

So, "Home," "Fatal Tragedy," "Finally Free." Addressed to "Rael."

.."Rael's" not addressed to me, is it? I mean.. probably. If it is, then the fuck's it mean? "Home," "Fatal Tragedy," "Finally Free." I like those songs, granted, from Metropolis, pt. 2-- Dream Theater, but it's probably not talking about the songs, themselves.

I'm exhausted. I need to think this over.

STANDING ON THE BACKS OF ANGELS, FEELING MY HEART PULL WEST, I SAW THE FUTURE DRESSED AS A ST--wait wrong song

On the Backs of Angels
A Dramatic Turn of Events, 2011
Dream Theater


Well, I've had two days to listen to this song over and over again. After this long, I have to say it's.. quite a nice piece. Just short of nine minutes, this is apparently the opener for A Dramatic Turn of Events, which is a pretty silly name for an album.

The first thing that stands out in this piece is the intro, which sounds like it was taken from freaking Images & Words. Or A Change of Seasons. The whole song has a big.. "old-school Dream Theater" feel to it. It's pleasant, and it's certainly wonderful to hear John Myung's lovely bass guitar again after so many years. Mike Mangini, the new drummer, is a goddamn god. Like Porntoy, but.. but just.. better.

..sorry, I meant Portnoy.

John Petrucci's as beautiful as ever. Just oh my god, listen to that guitar, listen to the skill, listen to the technicality, listen to the sound, oh my GOD, I love John Petrucci. And Jordan Rudess is exactly as good as we expect, but now he's putting more focus on being in the background, and that's.. that's just great. ;w;

I lost track of where I was going with this.

"On the Backs of Angels" is an excellent piece; I expected nothing less from Dream Theater. This song gives me high hopes for the release of A Dramatic Turn of Events, coming atcha September 12/13th, 2011.

Progressive metal, yuck feah.

A Boring Turn of Events

So yeah, I'm staying home today. At least, for now. Not investigating. Haven't found anything for a while, and plus,

"On the Backs of Angels," from Dream Theater's new album, A Dramatic Turn of Events, is being released as a single today.


And I'm gonna listen to that. I'll offer my opinion on it here. o: But it'll be at about 11 AM EST, and just.. yeah. If I investigate today, it'll be after that song's released.

...fuckin' Dream Theater, man! New drummer! 8D

Hard Drive: "cexperiment2"

Found this in a different computer's "My Videos" section thing.

That music back there's familiar. The video seems to skip, towards the end, forward about.. ten minutes?

Hard Drive: "cexperiment1"

A comment recommended checking the computers for stuff, and this was on the desktop. I'll look around more.

Other suggestions included checking that wall where the door was, which, I admit, I've already done, but I can check again and take better pictures.

There was another suggestion, wasn't there? Check the Xbox? I'll try that.

Investimigate me, mistress. :D

Okay. I'm better. I'm better, I think. I'm trying to get away from my current problems. Obsessing over the investigation kept me up before; let's see if it can keep me up now.

I went to the house. You know those computers I uploaded pictures of, like.. a million years ago? Well, I tried one of 'em, hooked it up to a monitor, tried it, it works. I'm at the house now.

What should I investigate? Anything for me to take pictures of? Videos of? Anything to test?


My video camera is charged and ready. Now that I know these computers work, I can easily go to the house and investigate and conveniently upload my findings swiftly enough. So take your time with recommending ideas, but if you think of any, go right ahead and post 'em.

I need to keep myself distracted, after all. If this crazy investigation's what it takes, then so be it. Not like I have anything better to do.

I'm going to sleep now.

You tell me we can stop the rain.


You tell me that we all can change.


You tell me we can find something to wash the tears away.


Yo utle me WE can sotp tjhe rain.
YOU tlel me THAT waer call can chante.
You tell em WE can tidfj soemthing to WHAX THE TEARS.

v

We move in circles, balanced all the while on a gleaming razor's edge.


A perfect sphere colliding with our fates.


This story ends where it began.


I've stopped crying now.

iv

ROTO
oruder elati sns fill rshaia armiorta wraht remofv all ovstales iofmro ur oath
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asksing quewtions search fior turteh sneraweruras been wriggt in tformt otf you
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Tortured insanity, a smothering hell, try to escape but to no avail.
SIXTH
the dcdlals of adfmriers whoc alim heaor drairng your blideblod while bweignt formr toe
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iii

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flyi nvoff the ahadnel wih craeful wi thata asaxer eugene gene thaeddnace macine messaih light my fire gabba bfgsaab hey ahye my my ftje9taons ohme aigna


runing forward fa.ogm ack spngjin roun aroudn loiomgn outwaisdrsa isdahcifng otn sema wiretholur ar fisubnsd leafmving ocet clraweing iip stutmblin lla otudn losign my epsaa,cr only to fidn outiovd vome fuill circle

ii

dcotrd sierifgnv tnesdxt to me wsakds me wo h9w ivfeel ntoxu ree i wsod hnersrdatn hsi 2questioning says ivwe bwene away awrigkle rhinsk he asdh curedm ye foerma a sitratar ofca catasotnic sleep

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meedicated me ninficltrate me siee defedcts appear asmdyconsdciusene sleps away

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i

i never wanted to becoem somelone like him so secure content to live each day sjut like the last i wadsS sure i knew that thsi wasd not for me and i wanted so much more far rbetond what ai could see so i seowre thtta i'd neceer be soemeon  like him

so ma ptny pyears hace apssed since i prodaimed my indepencence my mission my nim any mis vision so scure content to live each eay like it's my elafst its wonderfu to know that i ould be something moere than what i dremaed far beyond what i could see still i swoear tha im missing out this time

as farar asin could toll theres nothjg moresd i neecd but still i ask mysrelf could this be eveytgin then all is wroe that all id ever rbe f wais now wos suddenly rhe only tihng iw anted to become to bedxcomseone jsut like him

step by step we try controlling our fate when we finally start living its become too late

Why am I getting all these followers now? My life's slowed almost to a screeching halt. Where were you guys back when I needed help deciding what to do?

I cried more tonight. I mean.. there's good news; I have some sort of good news. But my emotions are in an absolute tizzy.

First, the good news.

We're probably moving to California in six weeks. Away from here. Away from everything that's ever been here. Away from my fucking life. Really, the problems I list on this blog are only about half of my real problems. I'm not entirely an emotionally stable guy, and I at least had the investigations to keep me stable, but...

God, I miss Nathan, I seriously do, I have no one anymore. Nathan was someone I could hang out with, someone I could talk to, and he's gone, and I killed him, I got him killed, this never would have happened if it wasn't for my obsessive.. god.eee

I'm so sorry, Nathan. I am so sorry, I honestly can't fucking begin to tell you how sorry I am. I feel horrible about what I put you through, but I didn't mean to, I didn't want you to go, I..... bah.

I'm so alone and it's all my fucking fault.

That's why I've been feeling horrible. It's out. It's fucking out.

I want to get the hell away from this place, from this crazy country, from this crazy family, from this crazy investigation, from EVERYTHING. I want peace of mind.

But I'll never get peace of mind.

I wish I was dead.

I need more prog.

In happier news,

Jordan Rudess (the current keyboardist for Dream Theater) got an epic supergroup together and recorded a cover version of Emerson, Lake & Palmer's epic "Tarkus."

I'm listening to it, and this is one of the most powerful covers I've ever heard of anything ever. Rudess' style is usually much too fast for covers, but it's just fast enough for ELP. His insane "wankery" works with the epic, turning a usually quiet and aged masterpiece into an energetic and flowing tribute to a highly underrated band.

Jordan Rudess, you da man. I think you have more potential than even Tony Banks. Good luck in the future, and I am so an undying fan.. and.. bah, not like you'd ever read this humble blog.

The emotions pour out onto the page.

I cried twice today.

I didn't feel anything whilst crying. Instead, I felt hints of sadness. I wanted to take this sadness and force it out. I wanted to force emotions. But the sadness just appeared for a split-second, and then it disappeared. It got bottled up. I recognized it as sadness so I could put on the front of "sad" for people, at least so I wouldn't walk right into more bottling-up of emotions.

But even though I can't feel anything doesn't mean I don't have feelings. They're just numbed to the point of invisibility. The emotions I do feel, I don't share. Because sharing my feelings only annoys people, which causes me to feel hints of further sadness.

I think, at this rate, if I were to actually feel every emotion every time instead of bottling them up and numbing them the way I do, I'd kill myself.

But in numbing them, I can let the emotions out progressively. In writing.

And listening to prog helps.

I don't care what anyone says; I like prog. I love prog. No other genre makes me feel so alive. No other genre makes me sweat just by listening to it. Not dancing, not headbanging. Just sitting on my bed, listening to it. The changes, the power in the technicality, the sheer complexity of it all, the fictional emotions the stories can convey.. I find it all so much more real than actual emotions, than real life.

I'm the kind of person who empathizes more with fictional characters than with real life. Real life just doesn't connect with me.

..wow, I feel better.

Hurt.

Everything's fake.

My parents are fake.

Life is fake. I don't want to go through it much longer. Life is fake.

The Camper is fake. It's just a fucking prank or some promotional game or some stupid.. stupid.. no, I mean or it just fucking doesn't exist at all.

The police never got back to me about looking at the house. No doubt because I probably didn't actually call them; it was probably all in my head.


There's no real point, is there? To living. To blogging. So I don't blog much anymore. But who cares, anyway? I don't. I honestly don't. I blog out of a compulsion, feeling I need to post something. I don't care about the investigation, I don't care about my parents and what the fuck has happened. I don't give a damn about myself, either. I don't care. I say I care about everything, I say I can't not care, but that's a fucking lie. I can't care. I can't. I can obsess over things like prog, like female supremacy, like this investigation, but in the end, I don't really care about them. I just obsess over them, and I know I'll find different obsessions if they went away. It's how I work.

Duke Nukem Forever is one of the closest things to "fun" I've had in a very long time. Then I go online and I see that I seem to be alone in liking the finished product. Of course. People are such cynics. I hate cynicism. You want fucking cynicism, assholes? Do you want fucking cynicism?


There is a God, but he exists only to make our lives miserable. So when we die, we're not going to Hell. We're just rotting in the ground. We're sinking into fucking nothingness. But the truth is, I'd rather have nothingness than endure another day of this hell. But I'll stick around, just because I'm too much of a pussy to kill myself. I'll suffer in silence because I can't get any louder. Because I don't care.

I put on the front of "caring" to please people. I put it on while hoping it'll inspire people to care about me. Maybe someone can spark emotions in me. But no, so far, no one has. People have gotten close. I've lied about many things over the years, but "I'm happy" is the most frequent one I tell. I'm not happy. I'm never happy. If I say I'm happy, I'm just distracted. If I'm not distracted, I'm left with my thoughts. My daylight nightmares. Then I get "sad." If I say I'm sad, I.. well, I am a little. But I've learned to detach myself from my emotions. So I just feel empty.

Empty is all I know how to feel, at least consciously. The only way I can feel anything positive is to simply distract myself, to subconsciously detach myself from my emotions.

I don't love. I fear. If someone is close enough to me (figuratively), I fear the day that they begin to hate me. It always happens. It always does. I fear the stone-cold silence to come, the days when all possible love that used to be there is nothing but a fading memory in my mind. Those days, I desperately try to please them; I want to cling to the days when I feared the future instead of the present.

I'm hungry. I haven't eaten anything but a Pot Noodle today. It's almost 10 PM. Yesterday I did the same, just a Pot Noodle. I hear Pot Noodles aren't very nutritious. Well, they used to make me feel full. They've stopped.

..I fear the day this investigation becomes active again. I fear the possibility that that EAT thing is real. A real Eldritch Abomination, and it knows my name. That'd just be a perfect end to my life. Because my life hasn't had enough hopeless desperation already. I fear the day I have to tell my parents what really happened to Nathan.

I fear the day I drown in progressive rock.

I feel something in my throat. It's tears; I recognize that. I want to cry, but I don't feel sad at all.

I just don't.

And in the end, we lie awake, and we dream of making our escape.

I don't want to talk about it.

I'm just going to play Duke Nukem Forever. And I'm going to escape from it all.

everyones hurting me nowhere is safe i want to get out let me out please let me out

Please.

don't hurt me

Camped Out

Rubber Goose-- the blog! has been removed.

Blogger isn't letting me revive it.

That countdown from earlier was counting down to this? What? And the.. wait, it mentioned.. fucking..

The Camper did this. But Sam was the Camper, and Sam was.. but.. motherfucker.

I mean, Rubber Goose was my blog.. why didn't they try to shut this blog down? Why Rubber Goose? What the fuck is going on?

The hell.

Okay, I think I've figured something out about these Topography of Thought posts.

"Addendum" was a jumble of letters followed by "foxtrot," right?

The next one, two days later, was "trespass."

Today, there was one that said "from genesis to revelation," as well as "We've set up camp."

Well, it was the two-day gap that set me off. I know what would have been posted on the day inbetween. It would have been "nursery cryme." Foxtrot is Genesis' fourth album, Trespass their second, From Genesis to Revelation their first. In between Foxtrot and Trespass is Nursery Cryme.

Bottom line is, I think this is some kind of countdown. Something's happening tomorrow. It most likely has something to do with that jumble of letters.

Posting the jumble of letters here for convenience.

hahauhahaihaha
hahahahahahauhahaphaha,haha,hahayhahauhahakhaha]haha]hahaghahayhahauhaha]hahanhaha'hahanhaha]haha/haha


Does anyone have any ideas?

Topography: "Addendum"

Someone informed me of a new post on The Topography of Thought. For the sake of convenience, I am now following that thing.

The reason this post apparently stands out is because Weathered Crashes seemed to be preparing people for some puzzles by providing keys. I'm just paraphrasing what the person told me, by the way. So, uh... I mean, I recognize "foxtrot." It's a Genesis album.

Email: "You're Invited!!!"

I got this in a separate email. Oddly enough, there was no email address listed. But this seems to be an invitation to something. I hear Marillion. I like Marillion. I hear Skye Blue doesn't want me going to this. Skye Blue has been antagonistic so far, so.. this is probably actually a really good thing for me to go to.

The question is, when is it, where, and with whom?

Skye Blue emailed me again.

An elegant question for the sophisticated mind

Why is there rarely any good porn?

Siggggh...

I wonder if any of my friends, former or current, got home from school all excited/had tons of fun at a friend's house and then thought about their good pal Jordan. I wonder if they ever thought, "Wow, I'm having all this fun, and he's just spent the night alone." I admit, I probably wouldn't have thought that. After all, there's bound to be someone who's there for that lonely person to talk to!

Well, let me tell you. There's not. Everyone was gone today. Whenever a few people got online, they were too tired or it was too late to talk. It's 7 AM now. This was one of the loneliest nights I've had in a while.

I mean, I got the sound to work on this damn computer, so that's something. I was thinking I could finally Skype with someone, as that seems to be all the rage these days. But no. Nobody was around to talk to.

I have a new hat. It was a gift. It's also a trilby, like my usual hat. But this one's all black, and a little taller than my usual one. I also have a new shirt, a sports shirt. Really thin. It's not tight or anything; it's a little loose. In this shirt, I actually look... slender. In a good way.

I still look thin as a rake, though. And god, I was one cold boy tonight. Seriously, it's the end of May. Why is it so cold? All the people I spoke to sounded.. stiff. I spoke to one girl, she sounded so wooden.

..whoa, there's a lot of birds outside my window. And the city outside looks so empty. I don't even see any shadows; it's that early. The birds' singing sounds like a choir, though. ...holy shit, I thought I saw a black dog. I guess not. Weird. It looked like it was dying. For a split second, I even thought it was a dying man. Then I looked again, and it was a dog, and.. it's gone.

You know what I really need right now? An angel. A fucking miracle. I feel like I've been stumbling in the dark, like some kinda blind man. I need to see the metaphorical light, or some kinda doctor to lift this plague of darkness and let me see the light.

...I'm tired. I'm rambling. I'm gonna go look for some food. If I can get something to eat, I'll be one happy camper.

Well, it's official.

I haven't been to school in a year.

It's.. scary, almost. A very brooding fact. I miss school. I really, really do. I just missed a whole fucking year of it. I'm scared to go back in two years or whenever the fuck dad's gonna let us. God. I feel.. I just know that, when we go back, I'm not gonna get to graduate along with my peers. All my former friends. Everyone I used to know.

My life. This is my life now. These investigations, this prog, this blog, it's all my life now.

Oh god, forgive me.

woldsla,fkpelp

iwaaaaaaaaaaaant hte puppweet

i WANt the puppet!

I FSAKSARAWNRIE$IWKEL KWROSKO

I WANAT HEA TAE PUPPEEET

OEMEED onme (iewrrrrrRRRRR

MY GOD DS RW I NEED IN EEED IN EDDED

Whoa.

Wow, I was tired last night.

I don't feel like blogging tonight. Just putting this here so you know I'm not crazy or something.

im s itll aewka

Haarrrlequin, Haaaarlqeui n

If ucjking love hrtfivs song, man its' a fgreat song. Gneidskdsainohk

tired

Fuck work. I'm sixteen, dammit. I need to talk to friends. That's what I've been doing for two days straight.

If The Topography of Thought wants to be cryptic and post screenshots or whatever the fuck it wants, it can do it itseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedc

Prooooooooooog Tiiiiiiiiiiiiime

God, guys. This prog. This genre. This music! >W<

Nothing, nothing can come close, it's just so structurally ideal for the intellectual mind. I've been listening to it all day. It's so.. yes. ...haha, and Yes is a prog band! xD

Hahaha, I need soda. x_x

Have sex with me, Tony Banks.

Ohhh my god fuck the pond prog is so much more fulfilling.

PROGRESSIVE ROCK IS KINKY SEX FOR THE EARS.


Tony Banks is like.. if Beethoven were to shred.

Jordan Rudess is like if Hitler could play the keyboard.

Steve Hackett is like.. like if Jesus played the guitar.

John Petrucci? Oh my fucking god, don't get me started on John Petrucci. John Petrucci is a man with whom there are no comparisons. At times, you may want to compare him to Dave Mustaine, but Petrucci is more than that. Mustaine was epic, Mustaine was a god, but Mustaine was a metal god. Petrucci is just.. a god. There is nothing he can't do. He can kick your ass in 16/8. John Petrucci isn't like Dave Mustaine or Chuck Norris or Samuel L. Jackson. John Petrucci isn't like Jesus. Jesus is like John Petrucci.

Interesting train of thought!

Guys, great news! I was looking into The Topography of Thought when I kinda got derailed. I started Googling water. I mean, I'm starting to get pretty curious about it. All my life, I've been unable to drink it 'cause it makes me throw up, but.. I mean, the world's, what, 70% water?

Oh, that's another thing. My QI book says the Earth is only 0.01% water, volume-wise. The surface is 70% water, but the whole Earth is less than 1% made of it.

I'm gonna look up the nearest pond. I wanna feed the ducks. .w. I love ducks, like oh my god they're so cute.

I guess I found my expy of totheark

Goddamn. The Topography of Thought is just weird now. Cryptic and weird.

I'll post screenshots of every new entry when I get the chance.