I cried twice today.
I didn't feel anything whilst crying. Instead, I felt hints of sadness. I wanted to take this sadness and force it out. I wanted to force emotions. But the sadness just appeared for a split-second, and then it disappeared. It got bottled up. I recognized it as sadness so I could put on the front of "sad" for people, at least so I wouldn't walk right into more bottling-up of emotions.
But even though I can't feel anything doesn't mean I don't have feelings. They're just numbed to the point of invisibility. The emotions I do feel, I don't share. Because sharing my feelings only annoys people, which causes me to feel hints of further sadness.
I think, at this rate, if I were to actually feel every emotion every time instead of bottling them up and numbing them the way I do, I'd kill myself.
But in numbing them, I can let the emotions out progressively. In writing.
And listening to prog helps.
I don't care what anyone says; I like prog. I love prog. No other genre makes me feel so alive. No other genre makes me sweat just by listening to it. Not dancing, not headbanging. Just sitting on my bed, listening to it. The changes, the power in the technicality, the sheer complexity of it all, the fictional emotions the stories can convey.. I find it all so much more real than actual emotions, than real life.
I'm the kind of person who empathizes more with fictional characters than with real life. Real life just doesn't connect with me.
..wow, I feel better.