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This blog goes back to 2007, but back then this was just a blog. If you came here for the investigation and the thrills, start with this post and work your way up. Click "Newer Post" to continue.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Um... 'Nother Break From Kaabii.

Wow... 3 days, hasn't it been? I really need to stop making that for a little bit. So, I'm announcing: Part 11 is the end of Part 1, K? Okay? Okay. Part 1. Not saying how many parts there are. Could be 2. Could be 3. Could be 400. So, picture this: A multi-billion dollar franchise decides to make an epic video game filled with epic stories, epic side-quests, planned but cancelled EVEN MORE epic side-quests, billions of battles, over 400 fighters to recruit, hundreds of items, tons of contests for the fighters to enter, online battling and spelunking and trading and chatting parts, no loading screens, very hard difficulty for an interesting challenge, a magnificent environment with weather effects and day-to-night interface, a little gadget which can be used for countless things, ability to make your own little gang, tons of championships, newscrew guys who interview you and you see the interviews and more things they recorded about you on TV, ability to defeat and capture the gods, an evil gang that plans to take over the universe, despite the fact that you only play in one large island, a rival that seems to do everything before you, 3-D, eye-popping graphics, access to all the previous fighters from older games in the series, and finally... funny jokes. All that, and I only broke a quarter of a sixteenth of a hundredth of an eighth of the ice of Pokemon: Diamond and Pokemon: Pearl. Got Pearl a few days ago, I've only got 3 Gym Leader badges, and a level 35 "Preppy" Prinplup. And 4 other cool Pokemon. If you think Pokemon is gay... lol.... loser.... you're missing out on something.

The awesome, yet canned epic side-quests? Uh... here, take a look for yourself: That's one of them. Here's another: There may be more, I don't know.

Just so you know, the only bad part of Pokemon is the TV series. ...Past Season 1. Season 1's cool. If you're reluctant, ....uh... um.... let's see......................... I don't know how to say this, but....... Pokemon is the one thing that you'll see almost everywhere. Just try ONE game. Try to beat it. Play and beat Red or Blue, or if you live in Japan, Green! But... Yellow may not be TOO good of an idea. You can get Yellow, but only if you like having Pikachu follow you around. Oh, I forgot to mention: All of this stuff......... Diamon and Pearl are for the (sorry, Piece Of S*** Portable fanatics) Dual Screen/Developer's System. If you ARE a Piece Of S*** Portable fanatic, that would be a N-i-n-t-e-n-d-o....... D..... S! A Nintendoh... Dee.... Es! You heard of it? If you're thinking of that game where you go around doing old people and killing police men (I like the police bit), that's GTA. Not even close.

This brings me to my next subject: What do you guys seein the Victorian Explorer of a Handheld game system? It's like the same Victorian Explorer that brought us the Giant Hogweed...... ... ... .. .. .. ... ... uh... do you get that joke? (Pop lovers: ) Thought not. (More wise people: ) Good. Look out for PSP fanatics! They are invincible! Strike by night! They all need the sunlight to photosynthesize their venom! Playstation Portable is avenged, human bodies soon will know our anger! (Sorry, I'm listening to that song right now, hope you don't mind I go into a Genesis gag rave on PSP fanatics) So, I'll make some parodies about PSP. Here's Revenge Of the Giant Game Company:

Turn and run!
Nothing can stop them!
Around every store and building their power is growing.
Stamp them out!
We must destroy them,
They infiltrate each city with their thick dark skin and bad games!
They are invincible,
They seem immune to all our homocidal battering.

Long ago in the worst of Hells,
A Japanese explorer found the evil blueprints by a crypt,
He captured it and brought it home,
Genocidal machine stirs, seeking revenge.
Royal bot did not forget.
He came home to Japan,
And made a present of the papers to the Executive at Tokyo.

Waste no time!
They are approaching.
Hurry now, we must protect ourselves and find some shelter!
Strike by night!
They are defenseless,
They all need the sun to photosensitize their batteries.
Still they're invincible,
Still they're immune to all our homocidal battering.

Fashionable Executive men had some cult-driven wild companies,
In which they innocently worked on the PSP throughout the land.
Genocidal machine stirs, seeking revenge.
Royal bot did not forget.
Soon they escaped, spreading their games,
Preparing for an onslaught, threatening the human race.

---(The Dance of the Playstation Portable)--- [still part of the song]

Grim PSP is avenged.
Human bodies soon will know our anger.
Kill them with your an'log stick,
Analoge Stöcke brennen ihre Finger, ha, ack!


Now for The Playstation P:

"Play me on this game,"
I heard him say, and played.
"Bill, your thoughts now seem so far from mine.
They hardly seem to matter now!"

And Sony will tell you lies,
of a system beyond our minds.
But I am lost within this new mind....
It hardly seems to think at all!

Play me on this.
Play and play again.
Play me on this.
Play and play again.

Just a little bit.
Just a little bit more lives.
Lives left to help beat this boss.

(guitar solo)

Play me on this.
Play and play again.
Play me on this.
Play and play again.

On this game I fight the final boss,
and a simple old boss was he.
But he called for backup,
and I called for more lives,
and I began to lose the pain.

...And the cop.
...Pain flopped.
...I was here again.
And I want,
and I reach,
and I grab,
and I shoot,
the man!

(guitar solo)

She's a lady, she's got time.
Brush back your hair, and let me...
get to gain your lives.

She's a life now, she's MINE!
I love you to hell but sudd'n'ly...
Flamethrower and... POOF.

I've been playing this for so long.
And all these lives that passed me by,
They're lost in dark matter now.
You stand there with your fixed expression...
Screaming as I wish to take your life!
Why don't you help me, help me?
One life left-- boss comes, m'chine gun--
'Proach him-- OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! ...
OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! ...
NO! NO! GAME! O.....ver........


So, are you wondering about what was happening in The Playstation P? Well, here's the scoop:

Timmy Whutsisname had a friend named Bill Whutizizname, they were best of friends. One day, Bill got a Playstation Portable! He called over to Timmy and said, "Play me on this game!" So,
Timmy did. As soon as he did, he lost track of reality for a few minutes. He liked it. Then, the one little multiplayer game against Bill ended. Timmy didn't want to stop, but Bill insisted. "Bill, your thoughts now seem so far from mine. They hardly seem to matter now!" Bill screamed as Timmy killed him with the PSP.

His mind regathered, and he felt extremely guilty. He recalled what the local policeman tells him every day, "Sony will tell you lies of a system beyond our minds. Don't listen, and don't become a victim," Timmy felt guilty for a few minutes until he heard a beep. The PSP lit up and went to level 1 on 1 Player, with a little tutorial. "Welcome, player! Kill enemies to gain more lives, gather up enough lives and come up with strategies to beat the game's hardest bosses!" Timmy stared at it for a second, then looked away. His mind felt as if it split in two, as his mind felt completely new. "It doesn't seem to matter now..." Timmy said, thinking of the police man. Suddenly, sparks flew out of the PSP, and the tutorial changed. "Welcome, Timmy! Kill people to gain more lives and help us beat the final boss!" It was as if it changed because of the Bill incident.

His mind flashed and the game's subliminal messages beamed into his head, "PLAY THIS OVER AND OVER AGAIN."

He got to the final boss, and he realized his lives were running low.

The subliminal messages roared through his mind.

Suddenly, he thought he beat the Final Boss, but it called for backup and it grew three times in size! It started wasting his lives, and he desperately needed more. Down to his last life, he felt as if he himself was being turned into a life, or at least, he FELT like that. All of his pains were disappearing as he felt lost in cyber-world.

Nearby, the local policeman spotted Timmy playing a PSP. He rushed over and snatched it, then threw it on the ground and broke it. Timmy's pains returned, and he noticed his surroundings. Yet, his mind yearned for more, yearned for revenge, but how? His mind returned to the tutorial, and he reached and grabbed the policeman's pistol. With one press of the trigger, the cop dies and the PSP on the ground beeps, sparks fly, and the game returns. Paused. With another life.

A few hours of constant dodging and constant attacking, he lost a life and had but one left. He felt his pains going away, and he panicked, he wanted another life. Suddenly, he saw a lady walking beside him. He grabs her, brushes back her hair, and dunks her head into a sink for a few minutes. The game beeps, sparks fly, and the game pauses.

Timmy's staring happily at the game screen, at the bottom right "LIVES = 2". He loves having this new life, and unleashes hell on the boss. Still doesn't die. Suddenly, the boss uses an attack Timmy had never seen yet; a flamethrower. Not knowing how to avoid it, he loses another life.

He pauses it for a moment to think. He looks at the date, it had passed a few days. He realized all the people he turned into lives.... they're stuck in the game's dark matter now. Along the time Timmy played, people cowered in fear and left. He was the last in town. Suddenly, he notices a car driving along-- it's you! He jumps up, throws you out of the car, and you have but one expression on your face: a scream. Before you know it, you're gone and he fights the boss some more. The boss learns ANOTHER new move, the machine gun. He shoots him hard until Timmy loses another life. He realizes you were the last one there, and screams. The only life left is his! Timmy gets sucked into the game, and can't move... no one's PLAYING. The game is left unpaused, and the boss kills him. "GAME OVER," the game reads.

There are two endings I have come up with, choose which ever one freaks you out more. Here's the first: The boss' HP appears onscreen, and it says, "1 HP"

The second: The boss' HP appears onscreen, and it says, "000000000000000000" over and over and over.

I hope you liked those, both are parodies of Genesis songs. The first is a parody of The Revenge of the Giant Hogweed, and the second is my favorite song, The Musical Box. I tried my best to make the song stay in tune with the story, but just barely. That's what Genesis did, why not me? So, I'll let you go now. DON'T GO BUYING/PLAYING ANY PLAYSTATION ANYTHINGS, YOU HEAR? NOT PSONE, PS2, PS3, AND ESPECIALLY NOT PSP!

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